Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Sometimes I sit and wonder about life. You know, the deep thought kind of moments and I think to myself...

Is this my life? Is it what I really want it to be? What do I want to change? Do I truly treat others the way I want to be treated? Am I really happy or just happy enough?

I ponder the "what ifs" and the "if only these.." in life and then I look at what I am surrounded by and I think

Wow.  I worked hard for all of this.  I was lucky in some situations and unlucky in others. One thing remains constant in my thoughts though - I couldn't do all of this, dream all of this, and truly love all of this if I were alone. I am surrounded by love.

Some was easy and some was difficult, but truly every single day I think "I love my life."

Love is hard. Love is trying and love is so incredibly difficult. But the ones I have chosen to surround myself with, I love more than I could ever explain. Love is lost, love is found.

I had "friends" that I realized weren't what I would want in a friend- so even though it was difficult, I decided to no longer pursue those types of "friendships". Sure there are days when I am lonely and "if only" I didn't let go of  (insert name of former friend) "friendship" then I would have someone to go to the mall with, have lunch with etc. But my time, ME - I am more valuable than a fake friendship.

It wasn't easy but everyone that I have in my life - I know is a true friend. I like it better that way. Sure I go out with a group of people now and again, but usually one of my real friends is in that group - because I think overall I'd rather stay home and read than be surrounded by people that I know don't value me the way I would value them.

It was a huge lesson to seek those that value me equal to how I value them. It isn't that my heart isn't open to new friendships, it always is, but the old ones, where I realized I was being used, called only because no one else is available, used to get to know other people - I don't have time for that. I'd rather read.

But the friends that I have deep conversations with, that know ME, that want to know how I am doing and don't want to hear "fine" - I always ALWAYS have time for them.


Al said...

Hey sweetie, gave you an award! Come check it out, and thanks for your email :) Will get back to you when I get home from work :)

Al said...

Aww, it kind of made me smile that I can return to this post, more than a year later, and read it again - CLEARLY - instead of on the fly at work. I could appreciate it then, and was just trying to keep my head above water.

I can't tell you how many times (usually how many times EACH DAY) I ponder those same what ifs. And most of the time, I can't really understand why my life put me here.

But I too feel surrounded by love. Regardless of losing the biggest love of my life. I have friends, and family, and a man who despite the laundry list of flaws, loves me.

So, you reminded me today that I am lucky. Through the tears,the heartache, and the loss - I am truly blessed.

Thanks for sharing this babe, and I hope to see you next week :)