Whatever Wednesday- NEGATIVE

So today has been an amazing day.


I have written about "the big C"  a few times...here are the posts in chronological order should you want to have a little bit of knowledge as to what I am talking about. I RARELY talk about something that I have been dealing with since 2009.

January 2009

April 2011

October 2011

November 2012

Today I got the call from my doctor. They said my tests came back 100% negative. I am in shock. I am so overjoyed. I go back in 6 months.

Today. IS A GREAT DAY.

So here we go. The doctor said they think/are hopeful that this will all be behind me.

Is it time for champagne yet?

A Weekend breakdown

This past weekend B went hunting and I was home.

I had a breakdown.

I look at my life and I am surrounded by love. I love my life - so please don't take this the wrong way when I say that this past weekend I just broke down.

You see - while there are MANY amazing things happening in my life - there are some unsavory ones.

I was at the 9 month mark of having this all behind me - and then I got the news. It came back.

Like I said - I have so many things to be thankful for and I am a truly optimistic person - but I think I had too much time on my hands this past weekend - and I lost it.

I am just sad that hasn't gone away - and sad really isn't the correct emotion. I am upset, angry, sad and scared. I love my life right now - I ABSOLUTELY LOVE planning my wedding - to my dream guy. I never in a million years could have dreamed the love we have. I never in a million years thought my life could be what it is.

This is the most joyous time in my life - and yet I am fearful. I shouldn't be - but I am.

I go back in January for the next appointment to see if it has progressed or retreated.

So, while most days are about flowers and cakes and pretty dresses - SOME days - I am anxious and scared. 

All of this is part of life - and through all of this - a different kind of love has been shown to me. How B cares and loves for me through my ups and downs - through the great news and the devastating news - the way he loves - it is the way I need to be loved. For this I am the most thankful for during this Thanksgiving.

The Hard Stuff...

I talked a little bit about what was going on in my life - my personal, I am a girl and yearly things are not fun life - here

And I continued on the story here


For the first time in over 2 years - going in for tests every 2-3 months, having a few operations - I got the news...for the first time everything came back normal. To say I am hopeful, optimistic and very happy is an understatement. I have undergone quite a few treatments, lots of blood work and just a lot of heartache to be told that I am ok. I have to re-do the tests every 3 months for a year before I can be truly cleared...but this was hurdle number 1. I got a "normal" result.

Truth is -Cancer scares me. I've been terrified for the past 2 years. The cancerous cells scare me. I feel that no matter how happy I appear I know inside I have been so sad. So slowly I hope this is recovery. I hope this is where I can let go of the fear and have the knowledge that I will be ok - because for 2 years I've prayed, hoped and willed it to go away. I don't know which procedure worked or which didn't. I just know it was all worth it. I was told that so far I shouldn't have any problems having children as long as it stays away. That we "got it early". So I am happy. More deliriously happy than I truly think I have ever been..but on that 1 year mark - in 1 year I hope to be even happier. I hope I can say it is truly gone and out of my life.


I just try not to think about this stuff, which is why I rarely write about it. But today - today is a great day.

sad

Back in January 2009 I wrote about something somewhat personal. You can read about it here.

So I've had to go every 6 months to have this checked out...but this time it came back worse and now they will be doing another prodecure as it showed cancerous cells. As my doctor has said, I am very lucky that I don't have any STDs (um thanks? thanks for that Doc!) but apparently STDs (mainly HPV) could make this situation even worse. So that's the highlight I guess- yay no STDs! (not that I was worried at all)-  I guess she was just trying to make me feel like everything could be worse? I'm not sure.

But anyway, later this month I will be seeing the oncologist and have a few other tests done. I was trying to explain my emotions but really the only word I can come up with is sad. I feel like my body is failing me - I didn't do anything wrong and yet this is happening. It just makes me sad. I have been trying to just think of the positives of life, how if it is bad, we caught it quickly, so that is always a good thing. How it could be nothing, but mostly - I just try to not think of it - which is nearly impossible.

Anyway...since I do use this as my "journal"...I just wanted to write it all down. It somehow helps.